WHAT WOMEN NEED MOST

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

Men, what do women NEED most from us? It’s a complicated question because every woman is different.

However, what women WANT and what women NEED are two completely different issues.

Keep in mind, wants are simply selfish desires. They’re not inherently good or bad, but rather a wish list of preferable attitudes, behaviors and possessions aimed at making us happy.

Needs are completely different, though, and we are wise to know the difference in the crucible of a relationship or marriage.

For example:

• Women may WANT physical affection, but NEED emotional intimacy.

• Women may WANT open communication, but NEED complete honesty.

• Women may WANT a listening ear, but NEED understanding.

This topic is very personal to me because I’ve spent the majority of my marriage focused on what I perceive are my wife’s wants, rather than investing my time, energy and resources meeting her needs. Granted, I am not required by God to meet ALL her needs (i.e. salvation, etc.). But as her husband, I am granted the unique opportunity by God to love, honor and cherish her in ways no other man is allowed.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4).

Men, how radically different would our lives be if we truly grasped the enormous blessing God has given us as husbands? What legacy could we leave our children if they witnessed us dying to our selfish desires daily in order to meet their true, spiritual needs? How would our sons and daughters respond to the legacy we could leave them as opposed to the legacy we’re currently leaving them?

Truthfully, our children are desperately searching for answers to life’s questions, and we have the opportunity to provide them a foundation for success which only comes when we humble ourselves daily, take up our cross, and model following Jesus unconditionally and without question.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?’” (Matthew 16:24–26).

Where Do I Begin?

If you haven’t already, I highly encourage you to read my recent blog post, WHY MEN GOTTA BE GREAT, to learn how humility, commitment, boundaries and submission are essential character traits every man must possess in order to be a Godly husband and father.

But rather than repeat what I’ve already written, let me focus your attention on one particular issue most men gloss over, which is arguably the greatest need a husband can provide his wife and children: SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP.

What Is Spiritual Leadership?

Whether we like it or not, God created specific order in marriage to help us avoid confusion, ambiguity or dissension. Therefore, we are wise to consider the full context of what Scripture teaches regarding roles in marriage.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22–24).

Now the topic of submission is certainly controversial based on the abuse of its teaching throughout the history of time. Nonetheless, God has called us, men, to be spiritual leaders and our wives to submit to our leadership in order to maintain order and peace in the home.

What that means, for better or worse, is that men have the final say for the family when it comes to headship/leadership. However, what most men tend to gloss over is that having the final say means we are ultimately held accountable by God for the example we model for our families.

Therefore, if we desire for our wives to submit to our headship in the home, we must ensure we’re providing a righteous example of humility, selflessness, obedience and submission unto God, FIRST and FOREMOST, for our families to emulate.

In other words, submission begins and ends with us, men, not our wives!

Granted, wives are held accountable for their ultimate submission to the marital authority God has graciously bestowed on us as husbands, but their submission is an act of obedience unto Christ alone, NOT us.

In return, we are called to love our wives because love is the very reason Jesus sacrificed His life to set us free from our selfish wants and desires, and show us a better way.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27).

Why Spiritual Leadership?

If most God-fearing, Christian women were honest with themselves, they would likely agree the #1 thing they wish their husbands would “man up” and take ownership over is spiritual leadership. This is a major pain point for most wives. Why?

Think about it. How can a man lead his family by word alone with no example? Respect is earned when we lead by example. Therefore, we must practice what we preach if we truly desire to meet the needs of our wives.

Similarly, if we consider the toddler years of our children, everything we say and do they emulate. They are like sponges, collecting information and repeating what they see and hear from what we practically model.

How then can we model poor attitudes and behavior but expect them to know better (i.e. do what we say vs. what we model)? It makes no sense.

For example, how can a man use foul language in the home and not recognize the wake of destruction it has on his family? Lack of self-control undermines any desire for respect he thinks he deserves from his wife and children. Therefore, he is a fool to think otherwise.

“But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person” (Matthew 15:18–20a).

Words spoken in anger send shrapnel into the psyche of loved ones and communicate a lack of provisional love and emotional safety in the home. How then can we act in such a way and assume our family respects us as humble, servant-leaders?

Men, let us never underestimate how spiritual leadership succeeds or fails based on the level of character we display privately in our homes. The church of Jesus Christ has been plagued far too long by men who publicly flaunt themselves as righteous but live hypocritical lives. Therefore, what the church needs now more than ever is men of true character, molded in meekness, humility and integrity.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean” (Matthew 23:25–26).

Make no mistake, every character trait a woman desires in her man flows from his heart through the colander of spiritual leadership.

It is the spiritual thermometer which proves whether he’s honest and trustworthy. For we cannot model what we don’t know, therefore, surrender to God’s authority and obedience to His Word must be our sole focus moving forward.

How Do I Lead Spiritually?

When I reflect back on the 20+ years I’ve known my wife, I see misguided attempts at spiritual leadership through functional proficiency in the home.

In other words, rather than sit down each night and pray with my wife or discipline myself to read my Bible, I compartmentalized spiritual leadership into a box of weekly church attendance and quick prayers before meals.

My spiritual proficiency focused on meeting the bare minimum requirement, but my spiritual disciplines were practically non-existent. I was not the same man privately as I was publicly, and that hypocrisy almost led to the complete demise of my marriage many years ago.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness’” (Matthew 7:21–23).

I never would have dreamt this stern warning was once reserved for me. However, I was that man for longer than I care to admit—consumed with pleasing myself, but manipulating my circumstances to appear outwardly righteous while inwardly broken and empty.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness” (Matthew 23:27–28).

It is sobering to read God’s Word and realize how spiritually malnourished you’ve become over time. Rarely do we think about how critical spiritual leadership is to our wives and children, but nothing could be more paramount. However, once we stop and examine ourselves, we quickly see how every fruit of the spirit is harvested by a man who truly leads his family spiritually.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:22–24).

BOTTOM-LINE:

Just as I stated in my last blog post, HOW MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN, the world doesn’t need more proficient men who base their success or failure by how often they help with chores around the house.

What a woman needs most is a man who will PROTECT her and her children by LEADING them spiritually.

A man who leads his family spiritually will sow seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, inevitably protecting his family from the enemy’s schemes.

Therefore, the entire family benefits when men take their responsibility seriously and welcome the Lord’s accountability to become more Godly husbands and fathers.

Therefore, if you want to transform your family and inevitably meet your wife’s greatest NEED, prioritize SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP and her WANTS and DESIRES will likely be met in the process.

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