AM I AN ABSENT FATHER?

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

There are many negative, personal behaviors men don’t care to own up to—being an ABSENT FATHER is one of them.

The sad fact is millions of children are growing up in homes where fathers are physically absent as a result of divorce, separation, endangerment, or complete abandonment, and unfortunately, the problem is only getting worse.

As stated in my recent blog post, What Does The Bible Say About Government Welfare, father absenteeism is a huge problem in the U.S., especially considering women are financially incentivized by the government to remain single parents.

However, despite our culture’s disregard for the “nuclear family” unit (i.e. father, mother and children living collectively together), there’s an even greater threat wreaking havoc in homes across the world at large: Fathers who are physically present but completely disconnected from their families.

Does This Sound Familiar?

When we hear the words, “ABSENT FATHER,” we typically focus our attention on broken homes and fathers who literally have abandoned their kids. But what if a father is physically present in the home yet disengaged from his wife and children—emotionally, psychologically and spiritually? Would that not also constitute as being an ABSENT FATHER?

Truthfully, we’ve all checked out to one degree or another on our families, but the harsh reality is we’re selfishly addicted to loving ourselves far more than our wives and kids. If we’re honest, most of us struggle daily with rejecting selfish tendencies to unplug and veg-out, rather than rolling up our sleeves and owning our spiritual headship responsibilities to love, serve and lead our families as Christ loved the church.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27).

However, when we’ve worked a long day and come home physically and/or mentally exhausted, the last thing we want to deal with when we walk through the door is changing a dirty diaper, fixing something the kid’s broke, disciplining bad behavior, cooking dinner, helping with the laundry, checking homework, driving kids to practice, giving baths and reading bedtime stories, or dealing with disrespectful, know-it-all teenagers (just to name a few).

Enter: TEMPTATION

More than anything, we crave time alone to decompress mentally and pursue our hobbies by checking out of the real world and engaging a virtual reality of our preference instead. That is why the % of men hooked on video games, fantasy sports, gambling, pornography, and social media have skyrocketed over time, and the enemy is laughing all the way to the bank at how feeble our minds truly are.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).

Unfortunately, when faced with life’s harsh reality of parental responsibility, far too many of us choose to run and hide rather than engage the enemy who has firmly established a stronghold around our hearts. We fail to see the forest through the trees, and as a result, begin filtering our thoughts through entitlement in order to justify our desire for peace and quiet, happiness, and an occasional release.

Make no mistake, we’re completely hooked when it comes to entitlement, and the enemy knows how to exploit our selfishness and flourish it to the point we demand our desires be met or else. The question is whether we even recognize how enslaved we’ve become.

Just think about how many times you’ve spoken harshly to your wife and kids for no apparent reason other than you were tired, frustrated, and needed some space. You wanted to check out but knew you couldn’t, so you lashed out at your family instead. You had no intention of losing your cool or speaking harshly, but emotions boiled over and now you’re dealing with the consequences of your actions (collateral damage).

Exit: GUILT, SHAME & REGRET

Undoubtedly, our wives and children have received the brunt of our anger and frustration far more than they should. However, it’s time we break the cycle, own our sinful actions, and repent of our mistakes if we want to shed the ABSENT FATHER persona once and for all.

Ashamedly, when we take forgiveness for granted and assume we can say and do whatever we want, we use our loved ones as an emotional punching bag rather than a sounding board for prayer, accountability and reconciliation.

Therefore, the key to positive change is not stuffing our emotions or ignoring our struggles as if they don’t exist. That only leads to future blow ups and collateral damage in the home.

No. Our goal should be learning how to express our emotions so we’re not bound by guilt, shame and regret, but rather free to embrace the peace and joy of Christ through the Spirit’s conviction which transcends all understanding.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:4–7).

Keep in mind, guilt, shame and regret are not inherently evil. Rather, they have been hijacked by the enemy over time and used as instruments for evil to isolate us from God’s absolute truth and enslave us. Therefore, we must take back what the enemy has stolen and put guilt, shame and regret in their rightful place as tools of righteousness God uses to redeem our souls.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1–2).

Make no mistake, God’s intent is not for you to give up on your family and embrace your fatherly absenteeism like a scarlet letter. Rather, He intends GUILT to convict you of sinful choices you’ve made, SHAME to help you accept and fully own the consequences of your actions, and REGRET to pivot your heart away from sin toward repentance, healing, reconciliation and restoration.

Guilt, shame and regret have the power of deepening understanding and promoting repentance when you recognize how emotionally, psychologically and spiritually ABSENT you’ve been with your wife and children, despite being physically present.

However, there is also immense danger camping out in the valley of despair and allowing the enemy to plant seeds of depression and hopelessness in your heart which leave you frozen in time. Therefore, we must be careful how we navigate guilt, shame and regret and not give Satan ample opportunity to use them against us and tempt us to doubt God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness.

“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine’” (Isaiah 43:1).

BOTTOM-LINE:

The key to not being an ABSENT FATHER is remembering you’re not bound by sin, but made alive in Christ. That is why repentance is so critical to lasting change. It ensures you fully understand what’s at stake and why you can’t be lazy, indifferent or dismissive of your headship role (ordained by God) any longer.

Instead, you can choose to glorify God by loving your family as Christ loved the church and engaging them emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. You simply need to lean on Christ and the power of His Word to guard your heart, cleanse your mind, and teach you how to be a servant-leader to your family.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).

Being a spiritual leader is not merely a duty. Rather, it is an honor and privilege we get to do, not begrudgingly have to do. Therefore, if you want to shed the ABSENT FATHER persona you’ve built up over time, learn to shift your perspective and rejoice in what God has provided, and you will find contentment in the things of heaven which money cannot buy.

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19–21).

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. How then will you wisely invest the time God has given you?

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