FREE MARRIAGE COUNSELING ADVICE

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32).

Men, it is sobering when you finally realize your marriage is in “SURVIVAL MODE.”

Often times, we’re simply oblivious to the problems causing dissension and division in our homes, even though the warning lights may have been flashing for quite some time.

Marriage can be an incredible journey of faith, full of joy and infinite blessings. But for many, it can feel like a never ending desert—dry and barren with little resources to survive.

The desert is actually an ironic metaphor for the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual extremes we long to escape from—scorching heat during the day and bone-chilling cold at night.

Granted, the circumstances which lead us down the path of counseling intervention are as vast and deep as the ocean. My recent blog post entitled, “WHY MEN CHEAT,” is a prime example. Our stories may be messy and complicated, or perhaps we’re just seeking a tune up to ensure our marriages are in optimal health.

Nonetheless, the solution to all our marital problems is quite simple if we’re willing to step outside our comfort zone and seek the Lord’s wisdom for help.

WHAT WILL IT COST?

SURRENDER & SELF-SACRIFICE

Sorry to disappoint, but the cost of marriage counseling has nothing to do with finances and everything to do with your heart. You simply cannot put a price tag on what your marriage means to God.

Therefore, your attitude heading into counseling sessions must be focused on love, grace, understanding, compassion, empathy, mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation in order to achieve your ultimate goal of healing and marriage restoration.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32).

Listen up! Bitterness and anger will only complicate the counseling process, so cast all fear, stress, and anxiety out of the equation and embrace accountability with an open heart and mind. For your wife needs to know you are fighting FOR your marriage, not to get away FROM it.

Keep in mind, counseling is NOT a white flag opportunity for you to blame shift your marriage failure responsibility onto your wife.

Rather, it is a trench-digging exercise where (with the help of a certified, Biblical counselor) you will learn to build a stronghold big enough for you AND your wife, and solid enough to withstand the enemy’s relentless attacks against your marriage.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock” (Matthew 7:24–25).

Therefore, don’t sugarcoat how toxic your marriage has become. Own it, accept it, and be honest about it.

You’re in survival mode if you’re seeking counseling help, and God expects you “MAN UP!” and surrender your pride, entitlement, assumptions, and expectations for the sake of your wife. Why? So she knows you’re fully committed, fully invested, and determined to never leave her till death do you part.

Again, keep in mind that no one cares more about your marriage than God. Whether you realize it or not, He created your wife to help guard your heart and mind, for her accountability is what you desperately need to become a Godly man, husband and spiritual leader.

“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’” (Genesis 2:18).

“So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man’” (Genesis 2:21–23).

Notice that God made Adam surrender a part of Himself in order to create Eve. God could have created Eve out of the dust just as He did Adam, but instead chose to create her through the crucible of self-sacrifice.

Granted, Adam was unaware that literally a piece of his body was required to create a suitable companion for him, but in retrospect, the sacrifice was well worth it from his perspective.

Self-sacrifice is a key component of the marriage covenant and eternal gain does not come freely, but with sacrifice. For Jesus demonstrated what it meant to love His bride, the Church, by ultimately sacrificing Himself on her behalf.

Therefore, we are called to do the same with our wives, willing to sacrifice our own selfish desires for God’s glory alone.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27).

WHAT TO EXPECT?

SPIRITUAL WARFARE

Keep in mind, understanding God’s design, intent and purpose for marriage is one thing, but applying self-sacrifice is completely different.

Many of us can testify to failing as a husband more times than we care to admit, but are we willing to do whatever it takes moving forward to own our sin, accept the consequences of our actions, and discipline ourselves to change for the better?

Marriage is a precious gift, freely given by God to provide more than all we could ask for or imagine. However, far too often we look at our marriages from a “glass half-empty” perspective and focus on the FRUIT of our desire, rather than the ROOT of our problem.

Consider the following examples of how we focus on what we want AND who we assume is to blame for our disappointment:

• She doesn’t really forgive me, but always brings up my past failures and mistakes.

• She doesn’t trust that I truly have her best interests in mind when I make decisions.

• She doesn’t appreciate how I try to help make her life easier.

• She doesn’t recognize how hard I work to provide for our family.

• She doesn’t care that I have sexual needs and it’s her job to fulfill them.

• She doesn’t give me the time and attention I need to guard myself from temptation.

• She doesn’t respect me as a leader, but questions my authority as head of our home.

• She doesn’t acknowledge what I do right, but always points out what I do wrong.

• She doesn’t understand that sometimes I just need time to myself to relax and do what I want.

SELF-EXAMINATION: Do these sentiments echo in your heart and mind to one degree or another? Can you hear the LIES the enemy often whispers in your ear to confuse you more by mixing partial truths with deception?

Make no mistake, Satan wants you to think you’re missing out on what you’re “entitled to” as a husband, and that your wife is the bottleneck, hindering you from achieving the happiness and pleasure you think you deserve.

Moreover, Satan wants you to DEMAND your desires be met. Why? In order to rebrand your wants as needs and your hopes as expectations—to create ultimatums which can never be met.

Therefore, many couples enter marriage counseling sessions resolute on what they think is wrong and more importantly, who’s to blame for the tension.

However, what both spouses fail to realize is they’ve allowed entitlement, assumptions, and expectations to become a stronghold in their marriage, subconsciously declaring to one another (whether justified or unjustified), “The reason I’m unhappy in this marriage is all because of YOU!”

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds” (2 Corinthians 10:3–4).

Undoubtedly, Satan wants you to get frustrated to the point of no return. Why? Because he knows if he can bait you into believing your wife is the enemy, you’ll likely conclude that giving up now (quit trying to make it work), throwing in the towel (via divorce), and cutting your losses short (financially) is the wisest decision available to achieve some semblance of peace and happiness.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:10–11).

#1 QUESTION YOU MUST ANSWER:

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

If you do a word search in Scripture, you’ll find examples of Jesus asking those who cried out to Him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

Some needed physical healing. Others, like James and John, sought self-recognition and position. What we must glean from these examples is that God hears the cries of His people, whether genuinely asked or selfishly motivated.

Jesus Heals Two Blind Men - “And stopping, Jesus called them and said, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, let our eyes be opened’” (Matthew 20:32–33).

The Request of James and John - “And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came up to him and said to him, ‘Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.’ And he said to them, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ And they said to him, ‘Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory’” (Mark 10:35–37).

Jesus Heals Blind Bartimaeus - “And Jesus said to him, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ And the blind man said to him, ‘Rabbi, let me recover my sight’” (Mark 10:51).

God knows all and sees all, so how will you respond? It goes without saying you’d likely desire peace in your home, abundant joy, patience, understanding, love and respect. However, are any of these things within your power to influence or control?

Often times, we look to God to rescue us from the consequences of sin without realizing we have free-will choices we can make. Even if we have been sinned against, we can CHOOSE to grow cold, bitter, frustrated and angry, OR show grace and mercy by determining to trust God and forgive.

Keep in mind, if we’ve been born-again (John 3:1-15), we have the power of the Holy Spirit living in us. Therefore, we can rest assured God hears our cries for help and will answer us according to His will because He is ever-present in our hour of need.

Granted, we may not prefer the answer we receive from God if that means our season of trials must continue. Regardless, He knows what is best for us even when we cannot see what’s on the other side of the horizon.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened” (Matthew 7:7–8).

PERSONAL TESTIMONY:

BIBLICAL COUNSELING SAVED MY MARRIAGE!

I would be remiss to say I am an emphatic supporter and champion of Biblical marriage counseling because my wife and I experienced firsthand the infinite blessings which come from seeking wise counsel, prayer, and discernment during a time of great need.

Our marriage would not be where it is today if not for months of Biblical counseling we received many years ago to rebuild and restore our marriage when it was severely broken due to my sin and selfishness.

We were fortunate, though, because our church had a certified, Biblical counseling ministry in-house, and we received the help we desperately needed when divorce could have easily been imminent.

However, others may not be so fortunate to have local resources available to help, which is why the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors is an outstanding platform to research Biblical counselors in your area.

Don’t hesitate, though! Satan will always give you an excuse NOT to reach out for help, so don’t give the enemy a foothold. Seek wise counsel!

BOTTOM-LINE:

1. DENY YOURSELF; 2. TAKE UP YOUR CROSS; 3. FOLLOW JESUS.

Marriage counseling is not an easy pill to swallow. There is a degree of personal guilt, shame, and regret which comes with admitting you can’t fix your marriage in your own strength.

However, seeking marriage counseling simply means something is broken or needs repair in your covenant relationship. If you’re wise enough to recognize that, you’re on the right path.

Just remember: Every couple needs help and support from time to time, so you’re not alone.

The only difference between success and failure is that wise couples choose to humble themselves and seek the Lord for help and salvation, rather than resorting to drown when a lifeline is ready, willing, and able to rescue.

Therefore, all you must do to survive marriage counseling is step forward in faith and allow God to transform your heart from the inside-out. It’s as simple as that.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?’” (Matthew 16:24–26).

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