WHY MEN GOTTA BE GREAT

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).

Men, listen up. If you ever wondered what women may be thinking, now you know!

Today, countless women are becoming increasingly frustrated and disappointed with their husbands, fiancés and boyfriends, and it’s not surprising why. Because if we stop for a second, look in the mirror, and honestly own our mistakes, we’d likely agree their complaints are justified.

The problem is we think more highly of ourselves than we ought and set the personal morality bar far too low, rather than disciplining and determining our minds to achieve greatness. And because we all grade ourselves on a curve to justify our sinful behavior, we leave the women we love wondering where the loving, compassionate, understanding men we once were disappeared to over time.

Be encouraged, though! The woman in your life does not automatically presume you are a total failure (which may come as a shock to you). Quite the contrary! Her assumption from Day #1 was that you once were a great man. However, that was then and this is now, and your actions speak louder than words for better or worse whether you realize it or not.

Keep in mind, her definition of your presumed greatness was likely near-sighted at the beginning—unconditional and time-dependent. In other words, your physical and emotional care and concern were easily manipulated to mask your faults in order to convince her you valued and prioritized her desires more than your own.

However, as time has passed and your commitment has deepened, your self-protected walls have begun to crumble and your character flaws have bubbled to the surface, calling into question how great you truly are now. So how do you fix the damage that has already been done and begin anew?

Thankfully, the solution to all your problems is right at your fingertips. And whether you are a God-fearing man or not at all, the truth of the matter is God wrote a book to help you become a better man and intercede on your behalf (because in your own strength you are powerless to be the great man your woman deserves).

CULTURE:

Now it is certainly “unfashionable” today to believe what the Bible says cover-to-cover, and more importantly, to relinquish personal control and submit to God as your ultimate authority.

Our culture has purposely and strategically encouraged us to believe whatever we want in order to create our own moral standard of right and wrong based on our personal experiences and preferences. Why? To justify our behavior and ensure we are the ultimate authority in our lives, not God.

However, this trend has caused widespread confusion throughout our world. Morality and ethics have shifted from concrete to fluid—absolute to relative at breakneck speed and our warning lights should be flashing uncontrollably.

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” (Proverbs 14:12).

“Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 26:12).

The challenge with relative truth is that if moral standards fluctuate, how can a man achieve greatness in his personal life if there is no absolute standard to measure himself against? In today’s culture, we covet full control but typically at the expense of those we claim to love more than ourselves. In turn, we inflict more damage than good when selfishness replaces selflessness and directly impacts those we love.

Truth be told, we all love ourselves far more than others which is why women wonder, “Why are men great ‘til they ‘gotta be’ great?” However, do we recognize the wake of destruction our selfishness has caused when we rely on our limited understanding rather than God’s sovereign wisdom?

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones” (Proverbs 3:5–8).

How then do we begin the process of change before it’s too late? The answer lies in four essential character traits: humility, commitment, boundaries and submission, lived out through us, 24/7/365.

1. HUMILITY

Truth be told, ALL men have a love/hate relationship with humility. No man enjoys being humbled because it is embarrassing and emasculating, but every man knows the path to lasting change requires him to swallow his pride and humble himself. Therefore, he who embraces humility rather than resisting it can be guaranteed one monumental truth.

There is nothing more pleasing to a woman than witnessing her man dying to himself, owning his mistakes, accepting the consequences of his actions, and taking the necessary steps to love her selflessly and lead by example.

Often times, we think we need to negotiate our way out of trouble to avoid, divert or blame-shift complete responsibility when we mess up, but that is simply an escape route the enemy wants you to take. He doesn’t want you focused on positive change. He wants you isolated, distracted, and vulnerable to attack so he can exploit your weaknesses, hold you captive, and eventually destroy you from within.

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” (James 4:7).

The question you must ask yourself is whether you even desire to achieve greatness at all. In many cases, you may think you’re in decent, moral shape all things considered, but that is a lie straight from the pit of hell itself. Because if you haven’t hit rock bottom in your marriage, engagement, courtship or dating relationship, you’re likely justifying in your mind whether to continue even reading this article!

However, for the man who is ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired,’ there is nothing more gratifying than having clear direction (perhaps for the first time) on how to be the dependable, Godly man your family deserves. Therefore, don’t be deceived!

You would be hard-pressed to find a woman who wouldn’t sacrifice everything she has for pure, genuine, unconditional love from a man who sacrificially loves, serves and protects his wife and children—physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:3–8).

2. COMMITMENT

The reason the majority of marriages struggle and so many end in divorce is not because of incompatibility or irreconcilable differences which develop over time. Marriages fail because love of self becomes the stronghold either one or both spouses refuse to relinquish, which inevitably pushes the relationship to a breaking point. In other words, commitment becomes a “nice to have” vs. a non-negotiable “must have” in marriage.

And to make matters worse, millions of children are now growing up in broken homes with no construct of what a healthy marriage looks like to emulate in the future. That is why Scripture teaches us to commit ourselves to guarding our minds at all cost and resist fleshly desires by renewing our minds with God’s absolute truth.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned” (Romans 12:2–3).

Keep in mind, when you marry your wife you make a covenant commitment to her before God till death due you part, so don’t give the enemy a foothold in your marriage and break your covenant vows. Don’t even entertain the thought of divorce as a potential option if you’re not happy, or assume there is an alternative escape route available from personal responsibility if your marriage is struggling.

Undoubtedly, trials come to us all, but how you respond to your spouse in the eye of the storm will determine whether your hope and trust is self-sufficient or dependent on God for ultimate salvation.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2–4).

“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).

Let’s be real, though. No woman could ever feel secure in a relationship if her man is not fully committed to her. Therefore, is it any surprise women think, “Men are great ‘til they ‘gotta be’ great?” Far too many of us have left the door cracked open as a way of escape to ensure we self-protect ourselves in the event we’re not supremely happy in our relationship, but aren’t we just planning to fail if we maintain an exit strategy in our minds?

Consider how you would feel if your woman was ready and willing with bags packed the minute trials weighed heavy on your relationship. Therefore, if you’re serious about commitment, you must prove it by your actions and be a man of your word. That means you say what you mean and mean what you say. You honor the commitments you make to others and avoid making promises you don’t intend to keep.

Bottom-line, plan long-term in your relationship without an escape clause, which for many guys means stop living together (benefits with no strings attached), MAN UP, and get married!

“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).

3. BOUNDARIES

No relationship is secure without boundaries and no marriage can survive without a clear understanding of what’s ultimately at stake if we do not guard our hearts. Therefore, know for certain that boundaries in a marriage covenant are absolutely essential—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

No woman wants to be with a man who struggles with pornography, whose eyes wander lustfully, or who provides a shoulder to cry on for any woman other than her.

Boundaries protect us from making mistakes, yet far too often we are more prone to test the limits to see if the grass is greener on the other side. We push boundaries to their breaking point in marriage rather than making the wise choice and avoiding the perilous cliff’s edge altogether.

Make no mistake, there is no area where boundaries are more necessary in marriage than sexually. Keep in mind, the Bible allows only two justifiable reasons for divorce and one of them is adultery, so don’t think God doesn’t take sexual sin (in all forms) seriously. Jesus had much to say regarding lust, divorce and oaths and we are wise to heed his warnings.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28).

“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:31–32).

Make no mistake, lust for another woman in the crucible of marriage is cancer to your wife. It kills her psyche and inflicts an unrelenting onslaught of spiritual warfare from the pit of hell, so don’t be that man who ignores his marriage boundaries.

If you vowed to love and cherish your wife in good times and bad, don’t go running into the arms of another woman (literally, figuratively or virtually).

Far too many men have fallen prey to not merely letting their eyes wander from time to time, but becoming addicted in varying degrees to lust, pornography and adultery. There’s a reason why the porn industry produces higher annual sales than the 4 major U.S. sports leagues (NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL) COMBINED! Therefore, don’t be naïve. Lust is a recipe for disaster and pornography is its superhighway access point.

“The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:12–14).

In other words, your flesh will crave greater stimulation in order to be satisfied which typically leads to more deviant pornographic cravings, so guard yourself. The downward spiral of sexual degradation is never content and will ultimately lead you into adulterous relationships if you do not recognize your patterns of idolatry, put an end to them once and for all, and create a new covenant with God to remain pure in your marriage vow to Him and your wife.

“I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” (Job 31:1).

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4).

4. SUBMISSION

God’s expectation is that you lead by example and humble yourself daily by deepening your commitment to your wife and children through your commitment to Him. Far too many men fail to realize that marriage is a package deal of surrender, obedience and submission, modeled first and foremost by YOU so that your wife and children have a Godly example to emulate.

Submission is a big deal in marriage, but is it an expectation you place on yourself or your wife?

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22–24).

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:25–28).

Submission is all about power and control ultimately. One person holds supreme authority and another person submits accordingly, but what happens when power is abused or the authority in charge is unworthy of respect based upon their sinful actions?

In the context of marriage, that line is the sand has been crossed far too often and women who think, “Men are great ‘til they ‘gotta be’ great,” point to submission as the straw that broke the camel’s back. Why?

In many cases, we’ve simply become lazy in the areas that matter most to God and our families, which begins and ends with true spiritual leadership in the home. Therefore, ask yourself these questions.

• Are you reading your Bible daily?

• Are you spending quality time with God in prayer and leading your family in prayer and Bible study as well?

• Are you practicing what you preach from what you’re reading in God’s Word?

• Are you promoting spiritual growth in your marriage?

• Are you quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness?

Notice how a strong spiritual foundation is the linchpin to success. If your mind is saturated in God’s Word, you will be more focused on living for God and not yourself, which benefits your wife and children immeasurably because they are your #1 ministry above all else.

Bottom-line, women who struggle with the Biblical teaching of submission typically do so because they have never seen selflessness exemplified by a Godly, loving man in the home, which falls on us to create a new standard of normal at home beginning today.

True greatness is achieved when a man dies to himself, submits to the authority of God’s Word and lives out his faith in Christ by obeying what the Bible teaches. However, if you’re honest with yourself, are you really dumbfounded why submission is a hot topic in your home or are you simply ignoring the facts?

True leadership begins with owning your own sins first and foremost, so are you handling your own business before pointing out what your wife should or should not be doing (which by the way, her submission is an act of obedience unto Christ, NOT YOU!)

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3–5).

BOTTOM-LINE:

Men, if you want to be GREAT when it counts most, humble yourself, commit for the long haul, establish healthy boundaries, and lead by example.

There’s no shortcut available. It all comes down to surrendering your life to God and allowing him full control of your life to transform you from the inside out.

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:23-25).

In the end, if you commit to being a servant-leader in your relationship, you will once and for all give the woman you love the reassurance she needs to trust you are great when you have to be great. Why? Because you have been washed by the water of God’s transformative Word in your heart.

That is how you achieve greatness at all times, which ironically has nothing to do with you but everything to do with the Holy Spirit, alive and at work within you to the glory of God and the benefit of your family.

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